Triad of Impairments - Social Ability

Social ability is one of the triad of impairments which affects autistic people. It doesn’t really tell you much though. It’s very vague. When I tell people that being autistic means I’m not good with people, they don’t seem to take me very seriously. They think, So? That’s not such a terrible thing to suffer with. I have a friend who’s very shy. Or they think it’s something that’s fixable. That I can be taught how to get on with people better, if I just came out of my shell and gave it a go. Well, I tried for 34 years to give it a go before I got a diagnosis and figured out why I was never going to be like other people.

Edgar Schneider says in his book ‘Living The Good Life with Autism’ that the emotional deficit is the most significant element of autism. He has Asperger’s Syndrome. I thought about how not understanding emotions relates to social interaction and realised my lack of understanding of my own emotions, probably explains my lack of understanding of others.

If you have had conversations with Autistic people you have probably noticed that they tend to speak a monotonous, serious voice. I say they, because most of the time I’m aware of this and try to speak with a variety of tone. People who know me might disagree with this. I know it sometimes comes out sounding strange, and maybe I sound more serious than I think.

The problem is that the variety of tone in an NT person’s speech is created by emotions. A lot of speech is simply about communicating how we feel. If I’m not feeling anything when I meet a person (note this isn’t any judgement on that person) I might try and fake some with a few pleasantries or more likely I’ll start talking about something serious i.e. something factual that doesn’t involve this emotional chit chat. Perhaps autistic people come across as serious because when we talk to people we tend to talk about factual, serious stuff. Maybe that’s why I watch so much comedy when I’m alone, like comedy is a counter-balance.

The simplest emotion to communicate is I’m happy to see you. Simply talking to someone can communicate that you like that person. Hence not talking to people can be read as meaning you don’t like a person. I have offended many people in my life simply by not talking. It took me a long time to work out what I was doing that was offending people. I would think to myself, I haven’t done anything to harm this person, why are they being horrible?

This lack of social reciprocity has its basis in the lack of shared emotional experiences. Shared emotional experiences enables people to bond. Without these, even faking a few pleasantries can sound insincere. Also I have become more distant as I’ve got older. I don’t try to fit in so much, most of my experience with people has taught me to be wary.

My naivety meant I was easily deceived and mislead. Now I am aware of this, when I do have interaction with people, this is what I am thinking about. There is little room for enjoyment when all your attention is focused on deciphering what people are saying to you and checking it for possible innuendos, hints, insults and deception. I tend to operate a wait and see policy with people these days. People always end up revealing themselves eventually.

Emotions can be painful and uncomfortable. I wonder sometimes if like physical pain, people have different thresholds to emotional pain. My emotions seem super sensitive. Another good reason for avoiding interaction with people. I often shield my eyes in the cinema if I’m watching an emotional scene. Often these are moments I consider awkward, or embarrassing. I can’t bear for the other person (even though I’m aware they are actors) to be made to look foolish. I get a similar feeling when going over a conversation I’ve had and realise someone was making fun of me, it really is painful. I can’t watch soap operas because of the constant emotional tension, there is always a crisis happening, people shouting, fighting, crying.

My emotions are a bit like my other sensory issues. For example my hearing, sometimes I don’t hear anything, other times the smallest noise seems very loud. The same with my emotions, sometimes I can’t bear to recall an awkward situation without feeling very upset, other times I can see a person crying and I don’t feel anything. I remember when my granddad died, I was only young, but while my sisters began crying out loudly, I ran to the other end of the room to get away from all the noise. I don’t remember being upset, even though I liked my Granddad, I remember his lovely smiley face. I think we’d have got on.

I think emotions go through a similar process to other physical sensations. There must be a part of the brain that receives a signal from the nervous system, which I guess must also have something to do with our emotions as well as physical sensations, and then part of our brain decides how big or small the sensation should be. I’m just guessing, but I don’t think it’s as simple as saying, I’ve grazed my knee and I immediately feel the appropriate amount of pain. Your brain is mediating all the time. Which takes me back to my inability to make decisions and prioritise, because I can’t measure how important something is. Or can’t decide how much I like something. In a similar way my brain can’t decide how important an emotion should be and how much pain or pleasure should be attached to it.

Being able to make good decisions is dependent on having good information. If the information my decision maker is receiving is inaccurate, it is going to be difficult to make decisions regardless of how well my decision maker is functioning.

The Triad of Impairments - Imagination

All people with autism share an impairment in the following three areas; language, social interaction and imagination. These are known as the ‘triad of impairments’ which affects all people with autism. This triad of impairments describes what you will observe if you meet someone with autism. They don’t really tell you what is going on inside the autistic person’s head. They don’t tell you why an autistic person struggles with language, or talking to people or why they lack of imagination. By the way, I’m autistic, but I went to art college, I’ve done creative writing courses, film making courses. There’s no problem with my artistic imagination.

I think what they really mean is that autistic people prefer routine and don’t like change. There is little imagination in how I live on a daily basis. I tend to eat the same foods (I don’t like going food shopping, I can never decide what I want.). I tend to wear the same clothes over and over even though I have draws busting with other items (I certainly don’t follow fashion). These are just a few examples.

What they show though is the difficulty I have in making decisions, even about little things. In my head there is no difference between big and little, I will spend as much time deciding what to wear as I will choosing where I want to live. This inability to make decisions means I tend to fall into routines because they don’t require decision making. I read somewhere there is a part of the brain that contains the executive function, this is the part of the brain that makes decision, I think it’s on the right side of the brain, in the frontal lobe. (Interestingly this is where I used to get my migraines.) In autism this part of the brain develops differently.

We can only make decisions through a process of prioritising, (attaching different degrees of importance to each option) and on the basis of whether we like something or not (another problem I have, I find it difficult to choose what to wear or eat because I have difficulty deciding if I like something or not).

So in summary, a lack of imagination comes down to a preference for routine, which comes down to a difficulty in making decisions, which comes down to not being able to decide how important something is and whether we like it or not. These are two separate skills. Sometimes decisions involve both, e.g. do I prefer fried eggs to boiled eggs? This means deciding if I like something and then deciding how much I like it. There are situations where my preference is taken out of the picture, like if I’m at work and I have two jobs of a similar nature to do then I have to decide which is the most important.

I’m having difficulty thinking of a situation when I only having to decide if I like something or not. It’s always do I like this, or do I prefer this. To know if you like something is to know yourself. I think I have the same difficulty knowing if I like something as I do trying to get in touch with my feelings.

Planning and organisation

I have a big problem with planning. At the moment my day has totally gone to pot because I’ve been ill, but when I’m firing on all cylinders I get everything done by making lists. I get up in the morning and make a list of what I need to do that day. I try to prioritise but some tasks are harder than others, so it’s the easiest things that usually get done first. I don’t normally get everything done on the list either.

My problem is the slowness at which I do things. Often I have to bribe myself to do stuff with treats, like two episodes of the golden girls then I’ll tidy up, or something nice to eat then I’ll sort through my mail. Things I don’t like doing are generally physical tasks; tidying up, brushing my teeth, having a shower, getting changed, washing up, ironing, anything that involves interaction with the physical world. Sometimes I think I’m in danger of going into a coma I sit still for so long. Which is why writing is good for me. It keeps me mentally alert at least.

Tasks that require a lot of concentration are also harder, because I find it hard to stay focused. I’m a terrible day dreamer. I remember my Nan once saying to my mother when I was about eight, ‘Victoria has such good concentration, I called her name the other day and she didn’t hear me, she was so engrossed in what she was doing.’ I didn’t hear her call my name, not because I was concentrating, my hearing just plays tricks on me (an autistic thing), but from that moment on I always considered myself to have good concentration. It wasn’t till I was older that I realised I didn’t. When I was studying for my A level’s, I sat in the dining room all day, for every day we were given off to revise. I wasn’t revising the whole time, I would often drift off, but I knew if I sat there all day I would get at least half a days work done. (I didn’t do very well, but that’s because I hadn’t been studying the rest of the year).

There are some tasks I can do quickly. I type quickly. I remember our typing lessons at school, we were given a book to work from and a typewriter, the teacher sat at the front of the class. It was very hard not to look at the keys while I was typing. But it paid off, my friend confessed she cheated and looked at the keys, I think most of the girls were. Anything which involves working on a computer, like data entry, I am fast at. My mind still wanders, but somehow my hands carry on doing the task without much input from me. Mindless tasks I am fast at.

It’s not just concentration that’s a problem for mental tasks. I think it’s also a dyspraxic thing. Not being able to organise my thoughts. It takes me a long time to write an essay than most people, finding out what I want to say and putting all the information in an order which leads the reader to the conclusion. No matter how soon I start my essays, I never seem to have enough time. I’ve been reading a book by a dyspraxic girl and she talks about having similar problems.

This is my problem with trying to organise my day, I‘m not able to organise my thoughts. Autistic people are really bad at sequencing. We have difficulty ordering events it time. This sounds very similar to the dyspraxic thing and about being disorganised. I’m not sure what the different is really. I have a very poor short term memory (common to both dyspraxic and autistic people). I tend to walk in out of rooms a lot. I frequently walk into a room, forget why I’m there walk out, try to do what I was doing then remember what I went in there to get. Walking into rooms without a plan is also dangerous because I am easily distracted by something else I find to do there.

Sometimes though, my mind makes sudden leaps forward and does something I haven’t seen it do before. Like this one time, when I managed to create a sequence in my mind with absolutely no prior planning or even intention. It hasn’t happened again since but it did give me an insight into how an NT person’s mind might work.

I had been thinking about brushing my teeth before going to bed, I was lying on my bed but hadn’t got in. I made the decision that I would. As soon as I had this thought another followed almost simultaneously. I could see the second thought ahead of the first (that I should make a hot water bottle), and there was another beyond that and then another, like a line stretching into the distance but inside my head. It was as if my first thought had set off a chain reaction, and all of a sudden I was certain what I was going to do. There was no lengthy deliberation involved, trying to figure out what should come next. I thought, this is how NT people must think, lots of thoughts happening almost at the same time, miraculously putting themselves in order! If only I could think like this all the time.

Autism and Emotions

Autistic people are often described as being emotionless. Sometimes we also like portraying ourselves in this way too, most of the time it is because we don’t fully understand the disadvantage this emotional deficit gives us. Saying autistic people are emotionless is a generalisation, and like all generalisations it is not entirely true. I can be very emotional, just not when it‘s appropriate or expected of me.

Occasionally I watch the news and see something that makes me sad, but not often. Sometimes I would sit with my Nan watching the news or reading the newspaper, and she would come out with ‘Oh that’s terrible, that poor couple’. I would agree with her, as I knew this was the appropriate response. Privately I used to think she was strange, she didn’t know these people, now I know it’s me that’s strange.

I can appear incredibly indifferent to other people. Not because I don’t care but because I can’t empathise, so I don’t do or say the right things. Over the years I have learnt the appropriate responses in a lot of situations. But I am guided by my store of other similar situations, not by my emotions. Sometimes I think back to a similar situation and compare it, and eventually at some point these become unconscious learned responses.

While I am cool and distant most of the time, I have moments when I ‘lose it’. Mostly this is when I get angry. Nobody knows how to make you angry more quickly than your family. Also I am very emotional and passionate about particular causes. I used to get into many heated debates with my Nan (we have different political views). I’m more laid back these days. People never change their beliefs because they’ve had an argument with someone, so what’s the point. Also, I realise it’s not always ‘appropriate’. Maybe people see me being emotional at these times and wonder why I’m so unemotional at other times, not unreasonably they may assume I only care about myself.

But I do care, I feel compassion for people. I don’t think this feeling comes from an emotional place though. I think we all have the ability to love one another, an unconditional love that comes form our heart. I care to a point where most people would have given up caring: I give people the benefit of doubt, I always give people second, third, fourth chances and more, I always try to comfort someone when I see they are upset. Mostly this sort of behaviour gives people the impression I am a doormat, someone they can take advantage of. But I still persist.

A lot of the time my logical thinking mind has to do the work that my emotional mind should be doing. Autistic people are more reliant on thinking and logic than NT people. I wonder if this makes autistic people more vulnerable to their egos than NT people. Autistic people often come across as very arrogant. It depends how you define ego. If you define it as that conscious thinking part of your mind I think it’s possible. Developing compassion for people is one way of overcoming ego.

Mental Disability

I’m trying to think of a term that describes autism. At my doctors it was referred to as a mental health problem. I don’t like this term. I’m not ill, I was born this way. You wouldn’t described someone who was blind as being ill, even if they became blind during their life. Mental health implies you have an illness that is curable. I know people are looking for a cure, and sometimes I read stories about people who have been cured. I don’t disbelieve these cures but hey only seem to work for a few people. The National Health Service doesn’t offer a treatment anyway.

Actually the National Health Service hasn’t offered me anything. My GP sent my report off to my local Mental Health team in October and I haven’t heard anything. Maybe they have a backlog of cases. I read a book recently, A Short Introduction to Autism, I think it was by Uta Firth. She argued that the increase in cases of autism is due to better diagnosis, but also added that clinicians were diagnosing people with autism so that these people could have access to better services even when they thought they didn‘t have autism. I asked myself where are all these services? I haven’t found them. I’ve spoken to parents of autistic children. I know how difficult it is to get help and why would anyone want to label their child autistic if they weren’t?

I like the term ‘Disabled’ although I’m not sure physically disabled people would like someone like me having the label ‘disabled’. I am though. I have little social contact as a result of my autism, finding a suitable job is proving very difficult. Despite being intelligent and hard working, my standard of living has been severely affected. I’m not arguing that I should be able to drive around with a disabled badge in my car, but being able to say I’m disabled and have people accept it would make life so much easier. The problem is that although most people have heard of autism they don’t understand what it is.

The problem is I look ‘normal’. I can have a conversation with another person; talking to people is hard work for me but I can and do, do it. After spending a bit of time with me people figure something is a bit wrong, that I am a bit strange but they can’t put their finger on it. Partly this is because I work so hard to appear ‘normal’. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to be something you’re not, it’s certainly not a ‘healthy’ way to be. But I’ve done it for so long, sometimes I’m at a loss how to behave.

The only way to overcome this it to talk to people about it. I didn’t like doing this at first but it’s getting easier. I’ve put it on my CV. As soon as I get friendly with someone I tell them. They tend to have lots of questions. I’ve noticed that this tendency to not talk about illnesses and disabilities is common in most people.

I worked with a man who I think had Tourettes. When he got nervous he had lots of twitches and stammered. We became friendly and I told him I had Autism. He asked me questions, I think he was genuinely interested to know. I explained the problems I have with language, my lack of social imagination, my problems with understanding emotions. He was genuinely I expected and wanted him to tell me what his own problems were but he didn’t. He thought it strange that I was apparently so happy to be called autistic. He suggested that such ‘labels’ limited what a person could become. I said it wasn’t just a label, it was an actual condition, and yes it did limit what I could be in this life but that there wasn’t any point denying it.

I wish people could see inside my brain. I would love to get a brain scan done. I would show people a picture of a normal brain and then what mine looked like and say - See! This is what I have to work with! What would you have achieved in your life if this is what you were given?

Talking to Twitter

When I first heard about twitter I thought, what’s the point, you don’t have room to say anything valuable. Then my brother suggested it as a way of advertising my blog and now I’ve had a go with it I love it. I’ve only been on it three days, but I keep wanting to make entries, I’m trying to limit myself to four a day. It’s great. Especially all the famous people on it, you can know what they’re thinking throughout the day even though you’ve never spoken to them. I have three people following me, my brother and two people I don’t know. I love letting people know what I‘ve just done or what’s on my mind. It’s like a global address book. Because you don’t actually have a conversation with anyone, it’s great for autistic people.

I remember I used to get very excited about meeting new people. I was very innocent. Most people when they meet someone new, greet them with suspicion and distrust at the back of their minds. Unless that person looks and sounds like us, we think what do they want from me and how can I protect myself. I was the opposite, like a puppy all excited, I asked myself what this new person would be like, if we would become friends, what new things would they teach me, If I hadn’t been autistic and was able to form better relationships I think I would have been very sociable. After a long time though, several house moves, job changes and two stints at university, I realised I was never going to find the ’friends’ I wanted because I just couldn’t give people what they wanted. Now I’ve been diagnosed I know why that is.

With Twitter I feel free again. I can talk to all these new people I haven’t met and there won’t be any of the stress that normally goes a long with meeting people. No trying to figure out what a person really thinks, no decoding of ambiguous replies, no worrying about if they like you. I prefer it to Facebook. Facebook is an extension of social networks in the real the real world so you still get the same games being played out. You have to accept people as friends before you can interact with them., and there are lots of privacy issues you don’t have with Twitter. As there is no comment facility on Twitter nobody can be rude about anything you write. You can choose to block people from receiving you tweets if you want, but it’s not really necessary unless you have a strong personal dislike of them or they’re stalking you.

What If We Were All Autistic?

Okay, the reason I’m not good at talking and getting along with people (just to sum up) is because they say things I don’t understand (the reading between the lines thing), and I find it difficult to know how people are feeling (the social imagination thing). Also people misunderstand me; this happens when they read something into what I’ve said that wasn‘t there (I’m very poor at innuendo) or I don’t convey my emotions convincingly.

I don’t know what it’s like to be around just autistic people. But I sometimes wonder what if I was in a room of autistic people, and everyone said what they thought, no hinting or trying to fool each other with their social and emotional skills. And we’d just be talking about the things that interest us or sharing anecdotes. What would be lacking? What could go wrong?

I think there could still be disagreement and uncomfortableness. Autistic people can still be offended by something another has said (even if what has been said is true) if it challenges their ego. There would still be the desire some people have to be cleverer than others. That unsavoury part ourselves, the ego, would still be there causing arguments and separation.

As well as having some of the same problems as NT people have when they get together , there would also be things missing. Things that make the gathering of people together worth while. Such as the warmth NT people display; the hugs, the sharing of feelings. Stuff autistic people aren’t good at. If we were all autistic we would be very reserved. (More so than we are now if you’re English.)

Is it possible to have the advantages of autism without the disadvantages? A little voice inside me says not, or only if you’re NT and can discipline yourself to change. Autism isn’t a better way to be, there are too many draw backs. But NT people could improve their own lives if they learnt the lessons we autism can offer.

The following are some examples of autistic behaviour which if everyone adopted would make lots of lives happier. In these examples I’m not saying autistic people have superior morals it’s simply because of the way our brains work, or rather don’t work.

Autistic people aren’t very good at being mean to other people, mostly because it involves a lot of subterfuge, and the ideas and thoughts just aren’t there. We get angry and cross and have negative thoughts but it very rarely translates into action and we have enough social knowledge to know that yelling or physically hurting someone is not acceptable behaviour, so most of the time we can control this.

This trait has taught me that hurting other people because you feel wronged is not okay, not if we want to create an atmosphere of love rather than hate. I find that if I let these angry thoughts just be they go, and eventually the problem works itself out. Where as if I stay mad, the situation just gets worse.

Autistic people behave very differently in relationships to NT people. I’ve been taken advantage of in relationships before, this was because I didn’t know that the other person had different goals than I had. When people decide whether or not a person will make a suitable partner it is usually on the basis of what they can give them. But relationships shouldn’t just be about what you can get from the other person, but what you can both share. Maybe I attracted the wrong sort of people because I’m easily fooled. Autistic people don’t have the social/emotional intelligence to be manipulative in the way NT people are, but I’m getting better at spotting it.

Autistic people are more easily fooled in personal relationships, but NT people are more easily fooled by groups, institutions, any body of people who have formed together under a common cause. This is because NT people have a tendency to sacrifice their individuality to fit in with society. But we have is a conscience, it is our own personal guide to tell us if we are doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Sometimes this inner guidance contradicts what others might tell us, this doesn’t mean our view is wrong. There have been many instances in history when the majority are not always right.

Having the strength of character to think for ourselves and not to just follow the crowd is a great asset in our personal evolution. I think this is easier to do for autistic people because most of the time we don’t know what other people are thinking so jumping on the bandwagon isn‘t a option. There are also advantages to the NT person’s tendency to follow and band together. New ideas and information can spread with amazing speed. You just need to make sure we are spreading the right stuff.

The most important lesson though that autism has taught me is the necessity of honesty and truth in making the world a better place. You may not want to be at first, because maybe you are afraid of what you will find but it is absolutely essential if you are to improve yourself. If people were honest all the time they wouldn’t be manipulative, they wouldn’t hurt each other. They would also listen to their own conscience more often. If you’re honest with yourself there’s nothing else you need to remember.

That seems a short list and it basically comes down to being honest. But if everyone became honest for the majority of the time, the world would change very quickly for the better.