Making Conversation the Autistic Way

I marvel at other people’s ability to make conversation, seemingly about nothing. I know it’s not really about nothing because there is still information being conveyed. For example, you may be talking about the weather but conveying to the other person that you like them. I wish I could do it. I really do.

One method I used to use to make conversation was to tell people funny stories about myself. I had plenty of material. I could turn most everyday events into something funny. Usually these stories involved me losing something, me forgetting something, getting times wrong, dates wrong. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. But what I was actually doing was using my autism to make people laugh. The only problem was, with some people anyway, they used these stories to criticise me. I was putting myself down and giving them with free ammunition to make me feel stupid.

When I would tell me Nan one of my stories, she would look very serious. And then tell me with a very deadpan face what I did wrong and what I should have done (these things I knew already). I would get cross. I know people expect conversation, so I try to make some, and instead end up being made to feel stupid. Other people would do it too sometimes. Eventually I decided I wasn’t going to tell people these stories. Now when I do something silly, I keep it to myself.

Another thing I do to make conversation, is to get other people to talk about themselves. I’m good at asking the questions. Maybe I’m just nosey, but I love hearing other people’s life stories. I remember a car journey with a girl I didn’t know well. During the car journey I found out she had dyslexia, that this caused a severe lack of confidence at school and she used to have panic attacks, that her parents were separated. I liked this girls a lot. And yet sitting in a classroom with her and the other students – I haven’t got anything to say. I hoped we would become friends after this trip. But we didn’t.

You know, it seems odd to me that when NT people talk they talk about inconsequential things. And that they will become friends, or start going out, without having much knowledge about that persons past. I think the difference is that an NT person decides what kind of person someone is based on how chatty they are, how friendly they are, if they have any common interests, if they threw in any compliments. An NT person forms their opinion of other people based on how well they perform this first social introduction. An autistic person, or me anyway, would want to know some basic things about a person’s history before making any decision. I’ve lived long enough now, that knowing a few things about a person’s past will tell me what kind of person they are.

I used to drink a lot the first time I went to university. I did a lot ‘acting’ when I was out with people. Trying to be like they were, and drinking of course made it much easier to have ‘fun’. Well, if you’re drunk you’re going to say stupid stuff aren’t you. Quitting drinking meant finding a new persona. When I went back to university the second time (I had sorted out the issues I had with my family, I was no longer bitter, I was in a better place mentally) I was still couldn’t ‘fit in’. So in the second year I decided I would just concentrate on studying, and I developed a new persona for myself – the ‘quiet one’, which works well for me. Takes a lot of the pressure that I was putting myself under.