Triad of Impairments - Social Ability

Social ability is one of the triad of impairments which affects autistic people. It doesn’t really tell you much though. It’s very vague. When I tell people that being autistic means I’m not good with people, they don’t seem to take me very seriously. They think, So? That’s not such a terrible thing to suffer with. I have a friend who’s very shy. Or they think it’s something that’s fixable. That I can be taught how to get on with people better, if I just came out of my shell and gave it a go. Well, I tried for 34 years to give it a go before I got a diagnosis and figured out why I was never going to be like other people.

Edgar Schneider says in his book ‘Living The Good Life with Autism’ that the emotional deficit is the most significant element of autism. He has Asperger’s Syndrome. I thought about how not understanding emotions relates to social interaction and realised my lack of understanding of my own emotions, probably explains my lack of understanding of others.

If you have had conversations with Autistic people you have probably noticed that they tend to speak a monotonous, serious voice. I say they, because most of the time I’m aware of this and try to speak with a variety of tone. People who know me might disagree with this. I know it sometimes comes out sounding strange, and maybe I sound more serious than I think.

The problem is that the variety of tone in an NT person’s speech is created by emotions. A lot of speech is simply about communicating how we feel. If I’m not feeling anything when I meet a person (note this isn’t any judgement on that person) I might try and fake some with a few pleasantries or more likely I’ll start talking about something serious i.e. something factual that doesn’t involve this emotional chit chat. Perhaps autistic people come across as serious because when we talk to people we tend to talk about factual, serious stuff. Maybe that’s why I watch so much comedy when I’m alone, like comedy is a counter-balance.

The simplest emotion to communicate is I’m happy to see you. Simply talking to someone can communicate that you like that person. Hence not talking to people can be read as meaning you don’t like a person. I have offended many people in my life simply by not talking. It took me a long time to work out what I was doing that was offending people. I would think to myself, I haven’t done anything to harm this person, why are they being horrible?

This lack of social reciprocity has its basis in the lack of shared emotional experiences. Shared emotional experiences enables people to bond. Without these, even faking a few pleasantries can sound insincere. Also I have become more distant as I’ve got older. I don’t try to fit in so much, most of my experience with people has taught me to be wary.

My naivety meant I was easily deceived and mislead. Now I am aware of this, when I do have interaction with people, this is what I am thinking about. There is little room for enjoyment when all your attention is focused on deciphering what people are saying to you and checking it for possible innuendos, hints, insults and deception. I tend to operate a wait and see policy with people these days. People always end up revealing themselves eventually.

Emotions can be painful and uncomfortable. I wonder sometimes if like physical pain, people have different thresholds to emotional pain. My emotions seem super sensitive. Another good reason for avoiding interaction with people. I often shield my eyes in the cinema if I’m watching an emotional scene. Often these are moments I consider awkward, or embarrassing. I can’t bear for the other person (even though I’m aware they are actors) to be made to look foolish. I get a similar feeling when going over a conversation I’ve had and realise someone was making fun of me, it really is painful. I can’t watch soap operas because of the constant emotional tension, there is always a crisis happening, people shouting, fighting, crying.

My emotions are a bit like my other sensory issues. For example my hearing, sometimes I don’t hear anything, other times the smallest noise seems very loud. The same with my emotions, sometimes I can’t bear to recall an awkward situation without feeling very upset, other times I can see a person crying and I don’t feel anything. I remember when my granddad died, I was only young, but while my sisters began crying out loudly, I ran to the other end of the room to get away from all the noise. I don’t remember being upset, even though I liked my Granddad, I remember his lovely smiley face. I think we’d have got on.

I think emotions go through a similar process to other physical sensations. There must be a part of the brain that receives a signal from the nervous system, which I guess must also have something to do with our emotions as well as physical sensations, and then part of our brain decides how big or small the sensation should be. I’m just guessing, but I don’t think it’s as simple as saying, I’ve grazed my knee and I immediately feel the appropriate amount of pain. Your brain is mediating all the time. Which takes me back to my inability to make decisions and prioritise, because I can’t measure how important something is. Or can’t decide how much I like something. In a similar way my brain can’t decide how important an emotion should be and how much pain or pleasure should be attached to it.

Being able to make good decisions is dependent on having good information. If the information my decision maker is receiving is inaccurate, it is going to be difficult to make decisions regardless of how well my decision maker is functioning.