Worry and anxiety

Worry and anxiety are not symptoms of autism, but most people with HFA will experience high levels of anxiety just because of the stress of dealing with everyday life. As disabilities go the High Functioning Autistic is in an unenviable position. I’m not physical disabled and I’m intelligent – so why (thinks the world) can’t I get on with life like everybody else? Nobody sees the internal struggle that goes on. The NT person, takes for grated all the wonder things their brain can do. They might not even be aware of all the amazing functions it is performing, and so can’t imagine what it’s like to be without these.

Things that cause anxiety for me are situations that involve dealing with other people. I can’t avoid these situations completely – I wouldn’t want to either as I would be very lonely. But I try to workout ways to reduce them in order to control my stress levels. This affects all aspects of my life, both socially and at work. Despite having two degrees, and other qualifications, my standard of living is low compared to an NT person who has less qualifications. My lack of social skills also makes it difficult to have relationships; which means I live alone and have to look after myself by myself. (I’m not totally alone in that I have family, I visit my sister who provides moral support when I need it and a couch sometimes too).

In the past when people told me I worried too much, I thought ‘I’m worrier – what can I do to change it?’ I believed them because of my high anxiety levels but I couldn’t see when I was doing it. I didn’t know I was autistic so I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for me to cope with everyday life. Also, if you can’t tell when you’re doing something, it’s very difficult to stop.

I thought that a 'worry' would be like a worried person – jumpy, shaky, fretful and nervous, or that it would make me feel those things. Instead I just had this underlying feeling of anxiety that increased and diminished during the day without me being able to locate a cause, and which I didn’t connect to the worrier question. I think this is probably related to the emotional deficit which a lot of autistic people describe (more on that another time).

Then last night, I was thinking my jobless situation, and imagining something bad happening to me. The thought didn’t jump out at me, it just quietly slipped through my mind; I almost didn’t notice it. But I stopped, as I sometimes randomly do, and wondered how I could categorise this thought. It’s the kind of thought that leads a bad aftertaste and I wish I had less of. When I examined it I realised it fitted the description of a worry, in that I was anticipating a negative outcome without having any reason to or any evidence. I realised that if I can catch more of these thoughts, I should be able to reduce my anxiety.

Until recently I suffered a great deal of anxiety. Probably a mixture of my autism and my childhood (my sisters have suffered from anxiety disorders as well). The problem was I didn’t notice my anxiety building up. When something creeps up on you slowly, you kind of get used to it and don’t think there is anything immediately wrong. It was my headaches which made me go to see my doctor. They were actually migraines. I had them on one side of my head, nothing I took got rid of them so I would go to bed and hope it was gone in the morning. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t. This became an almost daily occurrence, which meant I would go to work still feeling groggy from my headache , then it would start up again in the afternoon and by the time I got home I would be beat.

My doctor put me on Propranolol. It took about three days to work, occasionally I still had headaches when my periods were due, but the improvement was massive. There was also another massive benefit. Propranolol is used to treat people with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), the relief I felt from my anxiety when I started taking these pink little tablets was blissful. I could literally feel my anxiety draining away from me. I had been getting a pain in my chest which would come on when I was thinking of a stressful situation. (There were plenty at the time, my mum had cancer and I was finding my job difficult). I think I was probably close to developing GAD or something else. Luckily I got the Propranolol before it got to that stage. (Why do we wait before we are suffering from a full blown illness before getting treatment?)

My levels of anxiety are now much lower. I’ve also noticed that I’m more confident these days. Knowing that I’m autistic has helped a lot. I know why I can’t do certain things, and why I find interaction difficult, and I’m less hard on myself. Confident people don’t worry.