Social Boundaries

I feel about social situations the same way I fell about physical spaces. In space, I have to trust that I am occupying it and these objects are solid and I’m not about to fall over or walk into someone. Most of the time I don’t look relaxed, this is because I’m not, if I look stiff it’s because I am holding myself ready in case that’s not the floor and this chair isn’t where I think it is. It’s to do with spatial-visual perception which is often affected in autism.

In a social situation, if I don’t know what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, I can’t construct any boundaries in my mind. I think autistic people have far stricter ideas about what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour. Such as our position on honesty. We want and need these boundaries as they are essential to us understanding each other, we can’t read all the hidden meanings NT people pass between themselves.

Autistic boundaries are constantly being broken by NT people. It’s no wonder we feel anxious around NT people. NT people often speak of autistic people breaking their boundaries, obvious things include stripping off, or inappropriate sexual behaviour. But for high functioning autistics the problem is usually the other way round. Autistic people have a very strict code of ethics that most NT people would view as puritanical, and these codes are constantly being broken, much to the pain and distress of the autistic person.

In any social situation boundaries are being created and taken down and rebuilt. If a controversial subject comes up, the potential for disagreements and broken boundaries intensifies. I can’t position myself in relation to others because I don’t know what position other people will have. This is hard for me, because I have been blessed with lots of non-mainstream ideas. As a child I often offended my parents with my views on women, race and sexuality. This puts me in a more precarious position than if my views were more in line with the rest of society. For an autistic person though, pretending to have the same values as someone else to fit in would be very difficult, it would mean breaking that code of ethics.

Sometimes I think these difficulties also stem from my past experiences. If the people around you have been supportive in the past then you won’t worry what people’s reactions are going to be in the future. If however, your past experience was negative this is how you will expect future interactions to be. If you’re autistic your view of events may be skewed anyway, but it doesn’t change how the situation felt for you. An NT person will have the skills to assess a new situation using their social skills, an autistic person doesn’t.

When NT people go into a social situation, they are protected to some extent by the social barrier that they can create to manipulate how people see them or even to deceive people as to their intentions. Autistic people don’t have this, they operate on a policy of honesty because they can’t do all the complicated things NT people do when they communicate. Autistic people are like windows, you can see straight through them. Whether you are aware of it or not, going into a social situation without a disguise or the ability to disguise your feelings is a very stressful experience.

When I feel insecure in space I sometimes like to think how nice it would be to be held, the way a parent holds a baby who can’t sit upright or hold it’s head up. I would feel safe with someone holding me so that I could feel where I was. I wish there was a similar way of being held in social situations. It seems impossible, unless the NT people present could be persuaded to drop their social costumes. Then everyone would know where they stood, we would know where the boundaries were and people would have to stick to those positions and not keep changing their minds because of self-interest.

You know how you feel when you are doing something for the first time; a new job, starting university, or joining a group. That’s how I feel for most of the time. I rarely feel at ease, even in places I go to a lot. It’s as if people are new to me no matter how often I meet them. I guess because no matter how long I know them, I’m still never sure of how they will behave.