Being Too Nice

My lack of ability to read emotions and respond to them has lead me to develop what I call the ‘too nice syndrome’. It means that whenever someone is horrible to me I am nice back. It’s not that I’m a nicer person (although sometimes I think I am), it’s just that the other person has said something with an unpleasant undertone which has confused me and I don‘t have the time to think of what I want to say.

Saying something unkind requires the ability, to know something about the other person which you can use to make them feel bad about themselves. There are just too many processes going on here for my brain to cope with. If I was unkind to someone it would be in a very blatant way, I can’t think of any examples though. Usually I offend people unintentionally simply by stating the truth.

But back to my first condition of bewildered confusion. I know that I need to respond, and I only have seconds to do it within, so I say something that seems appropriate to the situation and because I haven’t understood the persons true intentions it usually something pretty bland and polite. Of course then the person walks away smiling to themselves feeling superior no doubt, and I work out what’s just happened and feel stupid.

It’s not just having a reply that’s the problem, it’s also being able (or rather not being able) to put some expression into my face and my words to show my displeasure with the other person. Even though I may have been hurt by what they did, that feeling doesn’t set off the next feeling of wanting to say something hurtful back. The emotion I do experience doesn’t lead me into any reaction.

I have learnt over the years though that if I don’t show the other person a bit of anger, they will take this as an indication of weakness and feel safe in doing it again, and again. It feels a bit fake and a bit acted but it is necessary. I have an example in this case, I was at the library recently and I had taken back an overdue book, so I had to pay a fine. I had another book at home which I hadn’t brought with me but which I knew I had had for a while. So I went on a computer and checked my account. That’s when I saw that it too was late and had a fine on it. The librarian would have seen this on my account but hadn’t said anything. If I had been in her job I would have mentioned it.

I don’t know what inspirers people to do things that eventually hurt someone else, maybe they get some small pleasure in it, maybe it makes them feel powerful. I thought back to this librarian’s wry smile and thought the error was almost certainly intentional. I walked home to get the book and she was still on the desk when I came back to pay the fine. I tried to look as annoyed as possible and was as curt with her as I could be. Her attitude changed instantly, suddenly she was very helpful and offering to check my other books. Later on, still in the library I received some good news while on the internet and I was walking out with a big grin on my face, unfortunately she caught my eye and smiled back. I didn’t think to drop my smile, thereby undoing the work I’d just done. She now thought we were friends again.

Talking Emotions

Generally I find it hard to think of replies to other people’s comments in a conversation. It is the main reason I don’t like talking to people. Most of the time I am trying to think of something I could say, and worrying if we will run out of things to talk about. This makes me very anxious. I suppose most people feel this to some degree. I used to be talking to someone and at the same time searching for other topics in my head. (I am aware that I can talk about the same thing for too long, which is dull for other people).

I prefer the conversation to stick to factual topics, this is easier for me. But what most people want to talk about, if they are friends rather than work colleagues or fellow students, is things like gossip, relationships, television, events in their life; things which are mostly emotional experiences. In these situations it is especially difficult for me to reply because often I don’t have any response to this information. If I don’t have an emotional reaction to what I’m being told, I have no basis for a response.

It’s is easier to have this kind of conversation by text or email because then I have time to think of a reply. I do this by repeating the person’s words to myself and gradually phrases come to mind that I could use in my reply. If nothing is coming then I will start with something I know is an appropriate response although perhaps a bit cliché and keep repeating this until something flows after it, which is a more genuine response. With this process, even my short emails to friends can take a long time to write.

I wasn’t always aware of this process. I think it is a process even NT people go through sometimes, if they have experienced a very high level of emotion they haven‘t been able to process and they are feeling very sad or very happy. They might play a piece of music that resonates with how they are feeling, as a way of encouraging and exploring how they feel. It’s the same as I am trying to do above, but on a more mundane level.