Sequencing of Thoughts

You know, it’s strange how very disorganised an NT persons thought processes can be, or that’s how they used to appear to me. Now I know I just think differently. At university a number of people commented on my very clear and easy to read style of writing and the logical way I put forward my arguments. My essays always followed a very structured logical argument.

This though, is the only way I can write. I’d love to be able to write with a more carefree or loose style. I’d love to be able to write like Virginia Woolf, the way she wanders about between events that sometimes don’t even appear to be related and yet are.

When I was a film studies student we had to read lots of theoretical essays. Even though they were writing non-fiction, the style of these writers was very vague. They would jump around their subject and I found myself going back to certain passages to check what I’d just read. Sometimes I felt I was having to build the argument myself, other times I doubted there was one. Theses writers were explaining complicated ideas in a very complicated way. In what other subject would you find that? Even my NT peers would struggled to understand sometimes.

My dependency on logical and structured thought has its disadvantages in everyday life as well. One thing the psychologist recommended is that I go and see the Disability Employment Officer at the job centre. I had just found a job when I went to her. She gave me information on the things I needed to do before I started. This included making a claim for some new clothes to go to work in, getting a bus pass and finding which bus I needed to get. Also we talked about claiming disability allowance. The only problem was all this information was given to me quite randomly as we talked about the job I was starting.

I became very confused trying to put everything she was telling me into some kind of order so I could remember it. I asked her to repeat parts of what she told me, but it didn’t make any more sense. The speed at which people talk doesn’t help either. I tried a different tack and said it would help if this was written down for me. I told them how forgetful I was.

But I don’t think they realised just how confused I was, because they (she had a colleague observing) would begin repeating what they had already said. I think it was probably the third time I asked them to write it down, that her colleague put down some bullet points for me. There wasn’t much detail, but it was something. He wrote down disability allowance and then said ‘you remember where the link was for that?’. I wasn’t sure so he jogged my memory, but I knew I would probably forget these details once I had left.

NT people just think differently to autistic people. When they are explaining something to you, it could some instructions or they might be telling a story, they don‘t always follow a linear sequence. It is like they have a sequence in their mind and they can jump into it at any point and know where they are. The person listening is expected to be able to construct this sequence in their head also. Having a poor working memory I think affects my ability to hold a sequence of multiple events in my mind.

I find listening to people hard work in any case, it requires a lot of concentration. Trying to put what they’re telling me into some kind of logical order that I can remember makes it all so much harder. In a situation such as the one above I would normally just pretend I understood then go away and try and work it out for myself.

Since I’ve been diagnosed I’m trying to act more myself instead trying to act normal, which has meant I’ve started asking more questions and asking people to repeat what they’ve said. I was asking more questions at the meeting with the Disability Officer, but I didn’t come away feeling confident I had remembered everything. What I should have done, was take a pad and a pen and make notes myself. I could then have pieced everything together into a logical order later.