Getting to Know You

Normally when two people meet they will make some very quick judgements about the other person. These judgements will be based on how nice the other person is (i.e. how good they are with the social chit chat thing), how well they look after their appearance, how attractive they are… generally how well they present themselves and how good their social skills are.

However, good social skills aren’t always an indication of an honest and trustworthy character. In many cases I have observed the opposite to be true. Conmen have very good social skills, or they couldn’t do what they do.

I sometimes make judgements on people’s appearance, i.e. whether I like it or not, but I don’t make judgements on a person’s character this way. Having poor social skills myself who am I to judge someone who doesn’t mix well? For a while I couldn’t understand why NT people valued these skills so highly. Then I realised, most of the time this isn’t a conscious action on their part. Greater social skills means a greater ability to charm people, and this is what NT people are responding too.

On the other hand, an NT person may make a conscious negative judgement against someone who lacks social skills and they probably wouldn’t want to be seen around with that person in case other people made the same judgement against them. People enjoy being popular and being popular requires good social skills. Neither of these response is a reliable way to assess someone’s character.

When I meet someone I am generally quite nosey and I ask a lot of questions. This doesn’t normally go against me, people usually like talking about themselves, unless they have something to hide. Also it is a genuine interest, I love popular psychology books and programmes, I observe people all the time. It started out as something I had to do in order to fit in, now it’s become a bit of a hobby.

I’m quite good at it now. I can usually tell after some basic background information what type of person they are. Through working out their psychological profile I am better able to read between the lines of what they are saying. This is a different reading between the lines than what NT people do. When NT people read between the lines they are picking up on messages that have been imbedded purposefully. I am very poor at this, I don’t normally get it till I’ve gone home and had a chance to go over the conversation. When I read between the lines I am searching for what that person doesn’t want me to know. This makes me a better judge of character if not a very good conversationalist.

It seems strange to me that NT people aren’t interested in each other in this way. They are quite happy taking each other at face value. But then the NT world exists as a set of unspoken rules and NT people accept secrecy as one of these rules. Secrecy is almost essential if social etiquette is to be followed. A lot of social interaction is about disguising rather than revealing. Secrecy is a way of life, something they don’t even question.

I used to be very enthusiastic when I met people. What would their likes and dislikes be? What personality traits would they have? How would we get on? I was always hopefully this new person was going to redeem all others and turn out to be a friend. And when I did meet the person, I was like a puppy, bounding all over them. Over the years I’ve toned this down a lot. I’ve got burnt so many times! My naivety left me open to a lot of cruel tricks. Also, what I didn’t realise was that in the NT world, kindness is often taken as a weakness. If I’d met people wearing a tough, mean looking exterior I wouldn’t have encountered half the trouble I did. (But then, I also wouldn’t have grown very much as a person).

This is because people think they can harm you without any fear of a reprisal. They may think to themselves, this girl likes me, she wants to be my friend, she’s naïve and doesn’t know when I’m making fun of her, this is a good opportunity to show everyone how clever I am. Or a man might think, this girl likes me, I already have a girlfriend but I’m enjoying the attention I think I’ll lead her on. Those are just two examples of situations I have found myself in. Hopefully if you have ever tried thee tricks on someone I will have aroused your conscience.