Autism and Sociability

Why do people think they can fix my autism? Why do they think they can ‘make’ me sociable. Autistic people aren’t sociable because they don’t have an instinct to bond with people, but because; a) they lack the necessary social skills and b) social environments are often noisy and there is too much sensory information to take in. Together this makes social encounters uncomfortable and sometimes distressing. Most of the social skills autistic people lack can’t be taught. It’s a bit like a person’s IQ; with practice you can get better at taking the tests, but your IQ will reach a level beyond which you can’t go - your brain just doesn’t have the necessary wiring.

I don’t think NT people realise all the things the do during social interaction, and if they do, they don’t link those abilities with their brain. In the popular imagination our brains contain our intelligence, to be brainy is to be clever. We don’t automatically draw the same connection between our emotional and social skills with our brain. If you think you can teach these things to an autistic person you are saying you think these skills are dependent on intelligence and are therefore only indirectly related to our brain. This is incorrect. The brain has emotional and social centres and if these are not wired correctly you can’t reverse it.

Intelligence can help compensate to some extent. Autistic people get very good at analysing the people around them. I routinely watch the behaviour of friends and friends so I can work out what they genuinely think. I watch other people to figure out who has good intentions and who might be a foe. Of course it’s not always so simple, someone who is a friend may briefly show another side if they think you have wronged them. Or someone who has an aggressive exterior may actually like you but find it difficult to show it. Also this can only be done retrospectively, after the event. I don’t see things as they happen, I need time to ‘think’ about it. Gradually, over time it has gotten easier. You work out the social rules NT people use, and the methods they use to get round those same rules without appearing rude. There is a lot of subterfuge that goes on during social occasions!

In order to enjoy or just survive a social gathering the most important thing a person needs to be able to do is make conversation. Having a conversation requires being able to; a) talk and listen (actions which are in themselves hard work for autistic people whose speech may not be good, and whose hearing sometimes plays tricks on them), b) to imagine the other person’s point of view, c) to be able to read their responses, d) to be aware of a third party’s point of view, society’s point of view to any exchange that occurs e) to have a knowledge of social etiquette.

I think it unlikely that an autistic person ‘could’ be taught to do all of this. The part that requires seeing society’s and the other person’s point of view requires social imagination, which if you don’t have, I don’t think you can acquire. Social etiquette for common situations could be acquired. Speech can be improved with work, listening though, if the person has auditory problems probably not. Being able to read emotions is something that gets easier over time. But lets say the autistic person does manage to do all this, there is one thing you won’t be able to teach them, which is to have genuine ‘appropriate’ emotional responses, and the person they are talking to is always going to know this.

I used to regularly fake emotions in conversations. I developed a habit over the years of exaggerating my emotional responses and over doing it. I remember being at a fire works display, I was enjoying it, I ‘Oooo’d’ and ‘Ahhhh’d’ to show that I enjoyed it, but I clearly over did it because my friend’s fiancé began mimicking me. I would often overdo the ‘Really?’ when someone tells me something unexpected. Then there are other times when I do have a genuine emotion, and I want to convey it, but for some reason it doesn’t come out sounding right.

I don’t do this so much now (old habits die hard), but instead I end up sounding a bit dull. Autistic people sound monotone when they speak because it is emotions which add the colour to our language. They don’t have to be ’big’ feelings. It’s all those little feelings which people have that lights up their speech in a way an autistic person would struggle to imitate.

All this doesn’t mean that an autistic person doesn't want company. Company is good, so long as it’s with people that are familiar and that you trust aren’t going to make fun of you if you do or say something stupid. With people who understand you and aren’t going to place unrealistic expectations on you. Somehow you have to find a balance between stressful situations and wanting to be around people.