During an annual review at a previous job, my team leader made me aware of my disorganisation. My desk was generally messy and I didn't seem to have any system for organising my work. I was surprised. Nobody had ever mentioned it before (I had been working about five years). Maybe people had thought it but never said anything.
The company had a library and she suggested I get out a book about organisation. I got a book out about right and left brain thinkers. After taking the tests in the book I came out as a predominantly right brain thinker, hence the messy desk. The left side of the brain is supposed to be responsible for logical thinking, language and detail. The right side of our brain is creative, it sees the bigger picture, it is visual. Left brain people (the majority of people in my office - it was an accountancy firm) tend to be very well organised and tidy. Right brain people are not.
Looking back I wish I'd thought more about what my team leader had said. The psychologists report on me says that many individuals with ASD suffer from additional dyspraxia-like symptoms, disorganisation being one example. Nothing I read about right brain thinkers suggested there might be another cause for my disorganisation though. The book after all was written for NT people.
The categorisation of people into left and right brain thinkers seems a gross generalisation. It didn't help me understand myself any better. I am logical and I am good at details, which should make me a left brain thinker, however I have problems with language. I am certainly creative as well (I went to art college), but I can't see the bigger picture and I have difficulty visualising. We used to do a lot of these exercises in a creative writing class I took, I never got much from them, usually I just saw darkness. Bizarrely I dream a lot, and in colour too (maybe there's a different part of the brain that?). From this you would assume I was a left brained person. I think my autism must have been distorted the results.
I have recently added that I have autism to my CV. It was difficult finding a way to include it without making myself sound unemployable. I put it under 'Skills and Strengths' near the top. I think I need to read up on dyspraxia as well, although probably not a good idea to put that in my CV.
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
The Autistic Shopper
I don't know if all autistic people have this problem, but one of the things I hate about shopping in town (apart from the noise) is that I have a lot of difficulty stopping myself from walking into people. You know that dance you sometimes have when someone is walking towards you. You move to step out of their way and they move in the same direction, this continues until you crash into each other. I hate this, it happens to me all the time.
For a while I thought people were doing it deliberately to make fun of me. I think men sometimes stand in your path as a way of getting your attention, but most of the time it is unintentional. In fact I think I am probably the cause of most of my collisions. Recently I have got a bit fed up with it. Usually when I see people coming towards me I move out of the way as quickly as I can. I guess people think I'm very polite when I do this. In the supermarket I try to find the quietest aisle to go down even if this takes me longer to get to what I want. But increasingly I find myself becoming impatient with the whole scenario.
Recently I went through a 'rude' phase. If I saw someone in my way and I wasn't sure which way to go I would just stop dead. People probably thought 'How Rude!'. Maybe they thought I was making a statement, that I didn't intend to move out of the way - not for anyone! Occasionally, if there was more than one person, and I couldn't think which direction to take, I just pushed past, or ran in front/past them. This was even more rude. I looked like I was in a hurry and not showing any consideration for my fellow shoppers.
Shopping is hard work; the constant dodging of other people. Maybe it's something to do with not being sure where you are in space. I often look at my feet when I'm walking, it's not just to avoid eye contact, I want to make sure I'm not going to fall over. It could also be because I don't have very good balance. I walk slowly. My parents used to call me 'Slow Coach' and I was always being told off for dragging my feet. I guess I'm just not very agile, which also impedes my ability to get out of peoples way. Also not being able to read people, and know which direction they intend to take could be a cause.
For a while I thought people were doing it deliberately to make fun of me. I think men sometimes stand in your path as a way of getting your attention, but most of the time it is unintentional. In fact I think I am probably the cause of most of my collisions. Recently I have got a bit fed up with it. Usually when I see people coming towards me I move out of the way as quickly as I can. I guess people think I'm very polite when I do this. In the supermarket I try to find the quietest aisle to go down even if this takes me longer to get to what I want. But increasingly I find myself becoming impatient with the whole scenario.
Recently I went through a 'rude' phase. If I saw someone in my way and I wasn't sure which way to go I would just stop dead. People probably thought 'How Rude!'. Maybe they thought I was making a statement, that I didn't intend to move out of the way - not for anyone! Occasionally, if there was more than one person, and I couldn't think which direction to take, I just pushed past, or ran in front/past them. This was even more rude. I looked like I was in a hurry and not showing any consideration for my fellow shoppers.
Shopping is hard work; the constant dodging of other people. Maybe it's something to do with not being sure where you are in space. I often look at my feet when I'm walking, it's not just to avoid eye contact, I want to make sure I'm not going to fall over. It could also be because I don't have very good balance. I walk slowly. My parents used to call me 'Slow Coach' and I was always being told off for dragging my feet. I guess I'm just not very agile, which also impedes my ability to get out of peoples way. Also not being able to read people, and know which direction they intend to take could be a cause.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Autistic problems with spelling and grammar
I used to think I was a bit dyslexic, now I think my problems with spelling could also be related to my autism. I still get excited when I learn how to spell a new word. Recently I’ve learnt to spell Echinacea. For a long time I didn’t know how to pronounce it, and now I can spell it too! I look at unfamiliar words like Echinacea and they just appear like a long stream of meaningless numbers. The way I’ve remembered how to spell it is; ‘e’, then ‘china’ and then ‘cea’ (which you can remember from the way it’s pronounced).
Spelling has always been a problem for me, mostly because I find it so difficult to figure out how to pronounce words. It’s a language problem I’ve had since I was a child (I was late talking and when I went to school my teachers couldn’t understand me). NT children start saying words by the time they’re two. Also my reading was below average. I love reading now; I think it just took me longer to remember how to say all the words. Grammar is still a mystery for me.
I did a degree in writing and film studies. I was really looking forward to the modules on grammar. When I was at school it was trendy not to teach grammar and instead to encourage creativity. I think most of the other kids picked it up along way. But I was fifteen before anyone told me what an apostrophe was.
Our English teacher was telling my class off, it was the first year of our GCSEs, for our lack of grammatical knowledge. At first she didn’t believe us when we said we’d never been taught. But when her favourite and cleverest student (we were the top set) told her it was true she had to believe him. She spent fifteen minutes explaining apostrophes.
It stayed with me for a while. Autistic people learn through repetition though, and once isn’t enough for me. So I was very excited about doing a whole module on grammar. It was hard work and I learnt a lot – at the time. Two years later though I struggle to remember it. I’ve kept my books though. I shall go over them again. One day, who knows, it might stick. For now I have to rely on Word to tell me when I’m using an apostrophe incorrectly.
Spelling has always been a problem for me, mostly because I find it so difficult to figure out how to pronounce words. It’s a language problem I’ve had since I was a child (I was late talking and when I went to school my teachers couldn’t understand me). NT children start saying words by the time they’re two. Also my reading was below average. I love reading now; I think it just took me longer to remember how to say all the words. Grammar is still a mystery for me.
I did a degree in writing and film studies. I was really looking forward to the modules on grammar. When I was at school it was trendy not to teach grammar and instead to encourage creativity. I think most of the other kids picked it up along way. But I was fifteen before anyone told me what an apostrophe was.
Our English teacher was telling my class off, it was the first year of our GCSEs, for our lack of grammatical knowledge. At first she didn’t believe us when we said we’d never been taught. But when her favourite and cleverest student (we were the top set) told her it was true she had to believe him. She spent fifteen minutes explaining apostrophes.
It stayed with me for a while. Autistic people learn through repetition though, and once isn’t enough for me. So I was very excited about doing a whole module on grammar. It was hard work and I learnt a lot – at the time. Two years later though I struggle to remember it. I’ve kept my books though. I shall go over them again. One day, who knows, it might stick. For now I have to rely on Word to tell me when I’m using an apostrophe incorrectly.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
An autistic person with flu
Do autistic people get more colds than NT people? I’ve been ill for about two weeks now. I’m wondering if I’ve got the swine flu. There were people off with swine flu in the office I was temping at. It’s mostly on my chest. I’m still coughing. I hate being ill. Two weeks of doing nothing. I can feel time slipping away and there’s so much to do.
I used to have colds all the time but I’ve managed to avoid being properly poorly for about two years. I take vitamins, Echinacea and garlic. I’ve also changed what I eat to try and improve my digestive system. A healthy immune system needs a healthy digestive system. If your digestive system is letting lots of toxins into your body then your immune system can easily become overloaded and impaired. This has been a recent thing though. I’ve only been doing it for two months.
I was a very sickly child. I had lots of ear aches. My mum would put oil on cotton wool and stick it in my ears. I’m not sure what the oil was or how it was supposed to help. I read somewhere that autistic children are very prone to ear aches. My sister and my niece and my brother have all been poorly too. Why when I get ill though am I poorly the longest? I really dread getting ill.
One of the problems with being ill is recognising your symptoms. I’ve often heard people say they have muscular aches and pains when they have flu. I’ve never thought of this before, but this time I thought, now’s my opportunity to test it. And, it’s true. The first week of being poorly was the worst, then I start to feel better, and that’s when I noticed the aches and pains. I wondered why I’d never noticed them before.
Someone also told me they feel achy after they’ve had a migraine. I’m not sure if this happens to me. I’ve been on beta blockers for several months for my migraines. Although I didn’t notice it at the time, as I never noticed it before when I was ill, it’s possible I didn’t notice when I had the migraines.
Anyway, what I’m trying to demonstrate here is my bizarre lack of knowledge as to what is going on in my own body and how this disconnection seems to exasperate my symptoms. Every morning I wake up hoping I’ll be feeling better. It takes me about ten minutes to go through my body checking for symptoms. It’s impossible to decide until you actually get up. Then, after about ten minutes if I’m coughing and feel weak and tired, I know I’m still ill.
There’s something wrong with how information is received into my brain. It’s similar to the way that I’m not always sure how I’m feeling emotionally. (Assuming there’s nothing wrong with my nervous system and that the information is being delivered.) I often find cuts and bruises and wonder how I did them. For some reason I don’t notice them at the time.
I read a book by Dr Robin Pauc called ‘Could It Be You? Overcoming Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADHD, OCD, Tourette’s Syndrome, Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome in Adults’. He thinks all these conditions are linked and that most people on the spectrum display symptoms of more than one syndrome. I’d recommend it people. It was informative and easy to read.
In his book, Dr Robin Pauc emphasises the problems autistic people have generalising, this is because the executive function in one of the frontal lobes is not working properly. I think it was the right side of the brain (it was a while ago I read it). The executive part of the brain looks at all the data we receive and then tells us what we need to know. If it’s not working properly you tend to get lost in detail, which is what happens to me.
I’m wondering if part of this executive function is sometimes not bothering to tell me anything at all. So I might cut myself, and it decides it doesn’t need to tell me. Or something on the television might have upset me, and it thinks; no need to tell her. So half an hour later I’m feeling sad and I don’t know why.
This is strangely at odds with the sensory overload autistic people often experience, like when you’re in a supermarket or a pub, and you have to listen to thumping music, other people’s conversations, cutlery being dropped, trolleys crashing into things, (the list goes on). And then there are other times, like now when I’m ill, when very little seems input seems to get through.
Hopefully in a few days I’ll be better again. I know that I am getting better because I can think again. My voice is still wobbly and I’m still coughing. I’ll know when I’m properly better because I’ll be able to sing again.
I used to have colds all the time but I’ve managed to avoid being properly poorly for about two years. I take vitamins, Echinacea and garlic. I’ve also changed what I eat to try and improve my digestive system. A healthy immune system needs a healthy digestive system. If your digestive system is letting lots of toxins into your body then your immune system can easily become overloaded and impaired. This has been a recent thing though. I’ve only been doing it for two months.
I was a very sickly child. I had lots of ear aches. My mum would put oil on cotton wool and stick it in my ears. I’m not sure what the oil was or how it was supposed to help. I read somewhere that autistic children are very prone to ear aches. My sister and my niece and my brother have all been poorly too. Why when I get ill though am I poorly the longest? I really dread getting ill.
One of the problems with being ill is recognising your symptoms. I’ve often heard people say they have muscular aches and pains when they have flu. I’ve never thought of this before, but this time I thought, now’s my opportunity to test it. And, it’s true. The first week of being poorly was the worst, then I start to feel better, and that’s when I noticed the aches and pains. I wondered why I’d never noticed them before.
Someone also told me they feel achy after they’ve had a migraine. I’m not sure if this happens to me. I’ve been on beta blockers for several months for my migraines. Although I didn’t notice it at the time, as I never noticed it before when I was ill, it’s possible I didn’t notice when I had the migraines.
Anyway, what I’m trying to demonstrate here is my bizarre lack of knowledge as to what is going on in my own body and how this disconnection seems to exasperate my symptoms. Every morning I wake up hoping I’ll be feeling better. It takes me about ten minutes to go through my body checking for symptoms. It’s impossible to decide until you actually get up. Then, after about ten minutes if I’m coughing and feel weak and tired, I know I’m still ill.
There’s something wrong with how information is received into my brain. It’s similar to the way that I’m not always sure how I’m feeling emotionally. (Assuming there’s nothing wrong with my nervous system and that the information is being delivered.) I often find cuts and bruises and wonder how I did them. For some reason I don’t notice them at the time.
I read a book by Dr Robin Pauc called ‘Could It Be You? Overcoming Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADHD, OCD, Tourette’s Syndrome, Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome in Adults’. He thinks all these conditions are linked and that most people on the spectrum display symptoms of more than one syndrome. I’d recommend it people. It was informative and easy to read.
In his book, Dr Robin Pauc emphasises the problems autistic people have generalising, this is because the executive function in one of the frontal lobes is not working properly. I think it was the right side of the brain (it was a while ago I read it). The executive part of the brain looks at all the data we receive and then tells us what we need to know. If it’s not working properly you tend to get lost in detail, which is what happens to me.
I’m wondering if part of this executive function is sometimes not bothering to tell me anything at all. So I might cut myself, and it decides it doesn’t need to tell me. Or something on the television might have upset me, and it thinks; no need to tell her. So half an hour later I’m feeling sad and I don’t know why.
This is strangely at odds with the sensory overload autistic people often experience, like when you’re in a supermarket or a pub, and you have to listen to thumping music, other people’s conversations, cutlery being dropped, trolleys crashing into things, (the list goes on). And then there are other times, like now when I’m ill, when very little seems input seems to get through.
Hopefully in a few days I’ll be better again. I know that I am getting better because I can think again. My voice is still wobbly and I’m still coughing. I’ll know when I’m properly better because I’ll be able to sing again.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Making Conversation the Autistic Way
I marvel at other people’s ability to make conversation, seemingly about nothing. I know it’s not really about nothing because there is still information being conveyed. For example, you may be talking about the weather but conveying to the other person that you like them. I wish I could do it. I really do.
One method I used to use to make conversation was to tell people funny stories about myself. I had plenty of material. I could turn most everyday events into something funny. Usually these stories involved me losing something, me forgetting something, getting times wrong, dates wrong. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. But what I was actually doing was using my autism to make people laugh. The only problem was, with some people anyway, they used these stories to criticise me. I was putting myself down and giving them with free ammunition to make me feel stupid.
When I would tell me Nan one of my stories, she would look very serious. And then tell me with a very deadpan face what I did wrong and what I should have done (these things I knew already). I would get cross. I know people expect conversation, so I try to make some, and instead end up being made to feel stupid. Other people would do it too sometimes. Eventually I decided I wasn’t going to tell people these stories. Now when I do something silly, I keep it to myself.
Another thing I do to make conversation, is to get other people to talk about themselves. I’m good at asking the questions. Maybe I’m just nosey, but I love hearing other people’s life stories. I remember a car journey with a girl I didn’t know well. During the car journey I found out she had dyslexia, that this caused a severe lack of confidence at school and she used to have panic attacks, that her parents were separated. I liked this girls a lot. And yet sitting in a classroom with her and the other students – I haven’t got anything to say. I hoped we would become friends after this trip. But we didn’t.
You know, it seems odd to me that when NT people talk they talk about inconsequential things. And that they will become friends, or start going out, without having much knowledge about that persons past. I think the difference is that an NT person decides what kind of person someone is based on how chatty they are, how friendly they are, if they have any common interests, if they threw in any compliments. An NT person forms their opinion of other people based on how well they perform this first social introduction. An autistic person, or me anyway, would want to know some basic things about a person’s history before making any decision. I’ve lived long enough now, that knowing a few things about a person’s past will tell me what kind of person they are.
I used to drink a lot the first time I went to university. I did a lot ‘acting’ when I was out with people. Trying to be like they were, and drinking of course made it much easier to have ‘fun’. Well, if you’re drunk you’re going to say stupid stuff aren’t you. Quitting drinking meant finding a new persona. When I went back to university the second time (I had sorted out the issues I had with my family, I was no longer bitter, I was in a better place mentally) I was still couldn’t ‘fit in’. So in the second year I decided I would just concentrate on studying, and I developed a new persona for myself – the ‘quiet one’, which works well for me. Takes a lot of the pressure that I was putting myself under.
One method I used to use to make conversation was to tell people funny stories about myself. I had plenty of material. I could turn most everyday events into something funny. Usually these stories involved me losing something, me forgetting something, getting times wrong, dates wrong. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. But what I was actually doing was using my autism to make people laugh. The only problem was, with some people anyway, they used these stories to criticise me. I was putting myself down and giving them with free ammunition to make me feel stupid.
When I would tell me Nan one of my stories, she would look very serious. And then tell me with a very deadpan face what I did wrong and what I should have done (these things I knew already). I would get cross. I know people expect conversation, so I try to make some, and instead end up being made to feel stupid. Other people would do it too sometimes. Eventually I decided I wasn’t going to tell people these stories. Now when I do something silly, I keep it to myself.
Another thing I do to make conversation, is to get other people to talk about themselves. I’m good at asking the questions. Maybe I’m just nosey, but I love hearing other people’s life stories. I remember a car journey with a girl I didn’t know well. During the car journey I found out she had dyslexia, that this caused a severe lack of confidence at school and she used to have panic attacks, that her parents were separated. I liked this girls a lot. And yet sitting in a classroom with her and the other students – I haven’t got anything to say. I hoped we would become friends after this trip. But we didn’t.
You know, it seems odd to me that when NT people talk they talk about inconsequential things. And that they will become friends, or start going out, without having much knowledge about that persons past. I think the difference is that an NT person decides what kind of person someone is based on how chatty they are, how friendly they are, if they have any common interests, if they threw in any compliments. An NT person forms their opinion of other people based on how well they perform this first social introduction. An autistic person, or me anyway, would want to know some basic things about a person’s history before making any decision. I’ve lived long enough now, that knowing a few things about a person’s past will tell me what kind of person they are.
I used to drink a lot the first time I went to university. I did a lot ‘acting’ when I was out with people. Trying to be like they were, and drinking of course made it much easier to have ‘fun’. Well, if you’re drunk you’re going to say stupid stuff aren’t you. Quitting drinking meant finding a new persona. When I went back to university the second time (I had sorted out the issues I had with my family, I was no longer bitter, I was in a better place mentally) I was still couldn’t ‘fit in’. So in the second year I decided I would just concentrate on studying, and I developed a new persona for myself – the ‘quiet one’, which works well for me. Takes a lot of the pressure that I was putting myself under.
Friday, 4 December 2009
Finding the Purpose of My Autism
I believe that we come to the earth plane to learn, that I have lived many lives here and there are other lives ahead of me depending on what I achieve in this life. There was a time when I was very close to not finishing this life. I had a great respect for authority and institutions. It’s not till I began questioning the authority I gave to others outside of myself that I started to become a happier person.
I had several ‘oh my God’, eureka type moments. Although at the time they were experienced as very sad events. So I couldn’t trust my parents to always do the right thing, then that realisation spread to included, teachers, the police, politicians till I eventually came to God and religion. For a while I was an atheist. I’m still not sure on the god question. I haven’t had any conversations with God myself.
I’ve read lots of books that say we are all a part of God. In a literal sense Jesus was God, but maybe he wasn’t claiming that as something exclusively him. We could all say we are God. Which fits the, we are all one argument. The only actual evidence I have found relates to our continued existence beyond death, and the ability we have to communicate with those who passed over. I’ve never heard about anyone who has passed over claiming to have met God.
I went off the point there a bit. After I had the Eureka moments I still had to work at it. I still had to keep checking my thoughts to check I was slipping back into old habits.
The next big shift came when I began to read books by physics and mediums about the other side. I think I was probably only an atheist for a couple of years. I don’t have a word for myself now. I tell people I’m spiritual rather than religious, although I do love to read about Jesus. I think he was amazing. It’s what people did with his teachings after that was crazy. I don’t think Jesus would have approved of the idea of a pope. Jesus encouraged us all to look inside and change ourselves.
Since my reawakened spirituality, I have made a slow, steady path to a greater peace of mind and increased sanity through meditation and learning to control my mind. The average person has thousands of thoughts a day. Have you ever tried to control these? My thoughts were usually about the same things, they were repetitive and not very happy thoughts; most of them about my childhood. I was very unhappy growing up, and even when I’d left home I was still controlled by these memories. They would repeat over and over in my mind through out the day. I read lots of books on meditating and eventually managed to control these thoughts and learnt to let go.
Most people are controlled by their thoughts; this is the wrong way round, we should control our minds, rather than the other way round.
Knowing I am autistic has been my most recent and life changing Eureka moment. I’m thirty-four now, and only just beginning to feel easy about who I am. I wonder sometimes, if that is it, if all my searching and emotional tribulations are over and I can now start to do something useful in the world. My main aim at the moment is to find a way to support myself. I’ve been told I’m a good communicator (which seems a bit off, for an autistic person). And I love writing – hence the blog, which is great to have, because it makes me write everyday.
Doing these meditation practices has also put me in a good position to examine my autism. This task involves watching my mind to see how it works and then comparing it to how I think other people’s minds work. The biggest boon so far (for knowing I’m autistic) has been being able to accept myself even when I can’t do things I think I should be able to do, and also accepting other people as they are. I used to get so cross with people – the biggest issue being honesty. Why do people lie? Why do they drop hints and make innuendos instead of just saying what they mean? Some people do it more than others. My sister is very much like this.
I’ve realised that NT people value this ability a bit like I value intelligence. Not all NT people have the same social ability. Some of them are better at it than others. Everybody likes to have something they are good at. My sister is smart, but didn’t enjoy school and struggled with it. Although she has different problems to me she finds it easier to understand my problem than the others do and I have a better awareness of hers. She doesn’t have a long list of qualifications, but she is very good at this, dropping hints thing.
I think we all have lessons in life, and its easier to spot other peoples lessons. I’m still not really sure why I’m autistic. I look at the lessons I’ve learnt and I think, surely I could have learnt them faster if I’d been NT? My sister might be able to give me an idea of this, but how often do we sit down and have such honest discussions? I sometimes imagine what my sister would be like if she didn’t have her problems; probably a bit annoying. The sort of clever person who enjoys being clever.
I’m the opposite way round, academically I can perform well; socially I’m rubbish. I sometimes think, that in some previous life, I was too proud of my social skills or that I had a poor opinion of people who didn’t have much social grace. And so here I am, to accept myself and others who don’t have these skills. I suppose the quickest and easiest route for all us to enlightenment would be to conquer our egos and never get vain about anything. Why is the ego so bad for us? Because by making us feel better than someone else it separates us from them, you can’t experience oneness and vanity at the same time.
I had several ‘oh my God’, eureka type moments. Although at the time they were experienced as very sad events. So I couldn’t trust my parents to always do the right thing, then that realisation spread to included, teachers, the police, politicians till I eventually came to God and religion. For a while I was an atheist. I’m still not sure on the god question. I haven’t had any conversations with God myself.
I’ve read lots of books that say we are all a part of God. In a literal sense Jesus was God, but maybe he wasn’t claiming that as something exclusively him. We could all say we are God. Which fits the, we are all one argument. The only actual evidence I have found relates to our continued existence beyond death, and the ability we have to communicate with those who passed over. I’ve never heard about anyone who has passed over claiming to have met God.
I went off the point there a bit. After I had the Eureka moments I still had to work at it. I still had to keep checking my thoughts to check I was slipping back into old habits.
The next big shift came when I began to read books by physics and mediums about the other side. I think I was probably only an atheist for a couple of years. I don’t have a word for myself now. I tell people I’m spiritual rather than religious, although I do love to read about Jesus. I think he was amazing. It’s what people did with his teachings after that was crazy. I don’t think Jesus would have approved of the idea of a pope. Jesus encouraged us all to look inside and change ourselves.
Since my reawakened spirituality, I have made a slow, steady path to a greater peace of mind and increased sanity through meditation and learning to control my mind. The average person has thousands of thoughts a day. Have you ever tried to control these? My thoughts were usually about the same things, they were repetitive and not very happy thoughts; most of them about my childhood. I was very unhappy growing up, and even when I’d left home I was still controlled by these memories. They would repeat over and over in my mind through out the day. I read lots of books on meditating and eventually managed to control these thoughts and learnt to let go.
Most people are controlled by their thoughts; this is the wrong way round, we should control our minds, rather than the other way round.
Knowing I am autistic has been my most recent and life changing Eureka moment. I’m thirty-four now, and only just beginning to feel easy about who I am. I wonder sometimes, if that is it, if all my searching and emotional tribulations are over and I can now start to do something useful in the world. My main aim at the moment is to find a way to support myself. I’ve been told I’m a good communicator (which seems a bit off, for an autistic person). And I love writing – hence the blog, which is great to have, because it makes me write everyday.
Doing these meditation practices has also put me in a good position to examine my autism. This task involves watching my mind to see how it works and then comparing it to how I think other people’s minds work. The biggest boon so far (for knowing I’m autistic) has been being able to accept myself even when I can’t do things I think I should be able to do, and also accepting other people as they are. I used to get so cross with people – the biggest issue being honesty. Why do people lie? Why do they drop hints and make innuendos instead of just saying what they mean? Some people do it more than others. My sister is very much like this.
I’ve realised that NT people value this ability a bit like I value intelligence. Not all NT people have the same social ability. Some of them are better at it than others. Everybody likes to have something they are good at. My sister is smart, but didn’t enjoy school and struggled with it. Although she has different problems to me she finds it easier to understand my problem than the others do and I have a better awareness of hers. She doesn’t have a long list of qualifications, but she is very good at this, dropping hints thing.
I think we all have lessons in life, and its easier to spot other peoples lessons. I’m still not really sure why I’m autistic. I look at the lessons I’ve learnt and I think, surely I could have learnt them faster if I’d been NT? My sister might be able to give me an idea of this, but how often do we sit down and have such honest discussions? I sometimes imagine what my sister would be like if she didn’t have her problems; probably a bit annoying. The sort of clever person who enjoys being clever.
I’m the opposite way round, academically I can perform well; socially I’m rubbish. I sometimes think, that in some previous life, I was too proud of my social skills or that I had a poor opinion of people who didn’t have much social grace. And so here I am, to accept myself and others who don’t have these skills. I suppose the quickest and easiest route for all us to enlightenment would be to conquer our egos and never get vain about anything. Why is the ego so bad for us? Because by making us feel better than someone else it separates us from them, you can’t experience oneness and vanity at the same time.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
The Criticism-Sensitive, Autistic Child and Adult
The autistic child is very sensitive to criticism and even as an adult, finds it very hard to accept criticism. My logical self tells me it’s not said with any malice, but I’m still hurt. In a class, when the teacher is trying to teach me something, I want to get it right first time – no mistakes. The autistic person puts an incredible amount of pressure on themselves to do things right. The idea of just giving something a go and seeing how it turns out is just plane recklessness.
Why autistic people are so bad at accepting criticism is a complicated question. Firstly it means accepting that one has done something wrong. The word wrong has two meanings; a) when something is factually wrong and b) when something is morally wrong. The autistic brain, or rather my autistic brain, (I’m not sure if others have the same problem) finds it difficult to separate these two different meanings. If something is ‘wrong’ it is both factually and morally wrong. Getting a fact wrong is being morally wrong. For some reason, I can’t accept that all I’ve done is failed to recall a fact and that this okay.
But it’s not just difficult to accept that I am wrong. I also find it difficult to accept that other people can be wrong. Again, this maybe an autistic thing or just me personality, but when I was growing up I had the greatest respect for authority figures and institutions. My belief in authority lead me to some very dark and unhappy moments. The idea of someone in authority (for example, one of my parents) doing something morally wrong or making a mistake was just unbelievable. Being told off for something you have done wrong is bad enough, but being told off for something you haven’t done is even worse.
I had a lot of difficulty getting on with my family while I was growing up. For a long time, I really believed I was unloved. Experiences, like being told off when I hadn’t done anything (which wouldn’t leave much impression on an NT person) made a big impact on me. What I couldn’t get my head round, was that my parents might not know all the facts and that somewhere along the line someone had said something that wasn’t true. These sorts of incidents lead to a lot of confusion and soul searching.
In my child’s mind, my parents must have been told a lie. They could either debunk it, or use it against me. My autistic mind couldn’t accept that they might believe the lie; parents are never wrong. My only option then was to believe I deserved the telling off for something else. In this way could I protect the image of my parents as good people who loved me. However, this came at great cost to my own image of myself as a good person. This repeating scenario threw me into a nightmarish hell on earth. We were a large family and if someone could the pass the blame for something onto someone else they did. Family life was difficult for other reasons also and being autistic I coped very badly. Suffice to say that by the time I was fifteen, I had very little confidence or self esteem, I really didn’t want anymore of this life.
It’s only going over this now that I can see the errors my autistic mind was making. My parents weren’t always aware of the full facts. For example, both my parents worked, and certain tasks had to be completed by the time they got home, like the washing up. This was something we took in turns to do. Only gradually over time this became my task, because one time I forgot to do and I got into trouble. That one incident was all it took. Because I’d done it once, the NT mind thought that it would now believable to say I had forgotten to do it again. Being autistic, I thought people are more likely to believe the truth rather than a lie, so I didn’t do the washing up when it wasn’t my turn, and I did get into trouble.
Of course there are going to be times, when an autistic person is wrong but doesn’t see it. The consequences of being ‘told off’ however are the same. The autistic person believes that are right all the time because; a) they never lie and b) they always use logic. If you always tell the truth and always use logic, how can you ever be wrong? If every other person on the planet were autistic then probably only very rarely. However the majority of people are NT and they have another part of their brain, the social part. It is very powerful. It can be used for good and for bad. It enables them to both comfort and deceive. And most people use this ability to make their life easier, even if it sometimes makes someone else’s life a bit harder.
You see the NT person believes in a healthy competition. If they are better at this social stuff than you, then its okay, it’s just natural selection at work, survival of the fittest, may the best man win, etc.... And probably somewhere along the line you offended the NT, not intentionally, just because you’re autistic and didn’t say hello or something. In which case, it’s just an eye for an eye; no need to take it personally. But the autistic person takes everything personally. Perhaps because we feel so separate from the rest of the world, that we don’t fit; that makes it difficult for us to think of ourselves as belonging to groups. It is never just kids my age you are getting upset with – it is me. It is never just people who live alternative lifestyles you are getting upset with – it is me. And because autistic people live their lives so openly (this isn’t a judgement, we just don’t know any other way) we have no defence. The autistic has no social mask to hide behind, the autistic person can’t hide they are hurt, which makes it all a lot worse.
Why autistic people are so bad at accepting criticism is a complicated question. Firstly it means accepting that one has done something wrong. The word wrong has two meanings; a) when something is factually wrong and b) when something is morally wrong. The autistic brain, or rather my autistic brain, (I’m not sure if others have the same problem) finds it difficult to separate these two different meanings. If something is ‘wrong’ it is both factually and morally wrong. Getting a fact wrong is being morally wrong. For some reason, I can’t accept that all I’ve done is failed to recall a fact and that this okay.
But it’s not just difficult to accept that I am wrong. I also find it difficult to accept that other people can be wrong. Again, this maybe an autistic thing or just me personality, but when I was growing up I had the greatest respect for authority figures and institutions. My belief in authority lead me to some very dark and unhappy moments. The idea of someone in authority (for example, one of my parents) doing something morally wrong or making a mistake was just unbelievable. Being told off for something you have done wrong is bad enough, but being told off for something you haven’t done is even worse.
I had a lot of difficulty getting on with my family while I was growing up. For a long time, I really believed I was unloved. Experiences, like being told off when I hadn’t done anything (which wouldn’t leave much impression on an NT person) made a big impact on me. What I couldn’t get my head round, was that my parents might not know all the facts and that somewhere along the line someone had said something that wasn’t true. These sorts of incidents lead to a lot of confusion and soul searching.
In my child’s mind, my parents must have been told a lie. They could either debunk it, or use it against me. My autistic mind couldn’t accept that they might believe the lie; parents are never wrong. My only option then was to believe I deserved the telling off for something else. In this way could I protect the image of my parents as good people who loved me. However, this came at great cost to my own image of myself as a good person. This repeating scenario threw me into a nightmarish hell on earth. We were a large family and if someone could the pass the blame for something onto someone else they did. Family life was difficult for other reasons also and being autistic I coped very badly. Suffice to say that by the time I was fifteen, I had very little confidence or self esteem, I really didn’t want anymore of this life.
It’s only going over this now that I can see the errors my autistic mind was making. My parents weren’t always aware of the full facts. For example, both my parents worked, and certain tasks had to be completed by the time they got home, like the washing up. This was something we took in turns to do. Only gradually over time this became my task, because one time I forgot to do and I got into trouble. That one incident was all it took. Because I’d done it once, the NT mind thought that it would now believable to say I had forgotten to do it again. Being autistic, I thought people are more likely to believe the truth rather than a lie, so I didn’t do the washing up when it wasn’t my turn, and I did get into trouble.
Of course there are going to be times, when an autistic person is wrong but doesn’t see it. The consequences of being ‘told off’ however are the same. The autistic person believes that are right all the time because; a) they never lie and b) they always use logic. If you always tell the truth and always use logic, how can you ever be wrong? If every other person on the planet were autistic then probably only very rarely. However the majority of people are NT and they have another part of their brain, the social part. It is very powerful. It can be used for good and for bad. It enables them to both comfort and deceive. And most people use this ability to make their life easier, even if it sometimes makes someone else’s life a bit harder.
You see the NT person believes in a healthy competition. If they are better at this social stuff than you, then its okay, it’s just natural selection at work, survival of the fittest, may the best man win, etc.... And probably somewhere along the line you offended the NT, not intentionally, just because you’re autistic and didn’t say hello or something. In which case, it’s just an eye for an eye; no need to take it personally. But the autistic person takes everything personally. Perhaps because we feel so separate from the rest of the world, that we don’t fit; that makes it difficult for us to think of ourselves as belonging to groups. It is never just kids my age you are getting upset with – it is me. It is never just people who live alternative lifestyles you are getting upset with – it is me. And because autistic people live their lives so openly (this isn’t a judgement, we just don’t know any other way) we have no defence. The autistic has no social mask to hide behind, the autistic person can’t hide they are hurt, which makes it all a lot worse.
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